Whatever, I’ll just date myself.

Dating….the dreaded D word. And let’s not lie, such a pain in the ass. Every time I try to online date, it just disappoints me.

(I will warn you now, this may get weird. So Mom, Dad, Grammy, other family members, I’m warning you now: read on at your own risk…..I will not answer any awkward questions in regards to this post in the future, nor will I answer calls or texts. Thanks in advance for your cooperation.)

amazon primeOnline dating is dumb. SO DUMB. Tinder, Bumble, Match, Plenty of Fish, it’s all ridiculous. The sites/apps that are free are mostly intended for hook ups. Bumble, girls have to make the first move. UGH. Tinder, oh Tinder…well, I do have some friends who have met their forever person from that site. So I was willing to give it a shot. I still can’t decide how I feel about. POF brings out all the creepers and men with no teeth. (I know my best friend who is a dentist would NOT approve of that.) Match is not like it seems in the commercials. I had 1 date years ago from it and clearly, that didn’t work. It’s all exhausting. And all these swipe left, swipe right apps…it’s all based on looks. Now I may not have the best self-confidence in the world, but my pics are solid. But, it’s all initial reaction and attraction. I don’t do well in that category. Now, get to know me & I’m a gem, I promise! Wife me up! I have a feeling my at-risk double chin is not doing me any favors. I’m working on it.

And I will tell you this much, I am TERRIBLE at flirting. Like, the worst. So I have to rely on friends to have me make the move on sites like Bumble. Such as my dear friend, Martha. (real name changed for no particular reason) I matched with someone while down in Detroit for a work conference. I thought, there’s a lot more men down here than the Lansing area, why not give it a shot. So, while drinking wine (you’re probably sensing a trend here…) Martha decides to steal my phone and start messaging every man I’ve matched with. I was pleasantly surprised at how many there were.  The first one to a man named Stephen. The message: “Climb me, Stephen.”

I mean, sounds ridiculous and pretty forward, right? You’re probably thinking “Who does that?” Well, apparently we do. And it worked. On a few men! Who would have thought? But I suppose men tend to have a brain that goes one direction. I can just hear my friends saying “Yours does too!” Okay, fine, guilty. But I want something more too! And then comes the dreaded picture….men just loooooove to show it off. I don’t want to see that! I don’t even know your last name. Put it away until at least the third date, if you’re willing to even get that far…. (Spoiler alert, they don’t.)

dick pic

So after the Detroit Bumble adventures, I’m thinking, do I just want a FWB? I mean, the movie with Mila Kunis & Justin Timberlake worked out pretty good in the end, right? And it is one of my favorites. But I’ve played that game before. And I’m not getting any younger.

Needless to say, I’m hoping that Santa really does bring me the Chip to my Joanna one day. Maybe not in this lifetime, but I’ll take what I can get.

I hope that a few of my friends will guest write for me about their insanely hilarious dating experiences in the future. I’ve heard some gems. I mean you cannot make this stuff up. You will absolutely get a kick out of them.

I know this is a little all over the place. I just needed to vent/write about the frustrations of attempting to date. Especially when you know there is this perfect man out there who doesn’t live in your city and you can probably never have. SIGH.

Here’s to ovaries before brovaries.

**Note: Martha is willing to offer her Bumble services at a very reasonable fee.**

3 Replies to “Whatever, I’ll just date myself.”

  1. Not that another app is the key to dating success, but I just heard about a new one called Hater, which matches people that hate the same things. Sounds intriguing at the very least. Dating is hard!


  2. Erika, you are the apple writer of my eye! Love your posts and writing (note: you got this awesome skill from your aunt!) – I would LOVE to share a few of my dating disasters with you and your friends…advice: wait until you’re in your 30s to get married (like I did)…there are a lot of idiots out there (regardless of how big their junk is)…so you need to weed them out before you get Mr. Tight and Right!


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